Christmas With the Akatsuki
by Renea
Summary: Warning: Foul language ahead. Then Deidara got an idea. An AWFUL idea. Deidara got a wonderfully awful idea.


Hi everybody! And happy holidays! XD This is supposed to be funny... I probbaly failed miserably.

Anyways, I hope I don't offend anybody XD;;

Naruto: Masashi Kishimoto

Ryuu: My friend Rin

All the other books/movies refferenced belong to their owners.

* * *

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the base... 

Kakuzu was getting on everyone's case.

"KISAME! Do you have ANY idea how much hot water costs?!" The treasurer of the Akatsuki pounded one large, sewn on hand against the bathroom door violently, rattling the hinges. To his great satisfaction, the sound of running water ceased, as the warm wisps of steam that had slipped under the door vanished as well.

After a moment's wait, the door was wrenched open, and a very exasperated mist ninja stepped out through the doorframe, clinging tightly to the towel around his waist. "Kakuzu Sama," Kisame started, teeth clenched in restraint. "With all due respect- what the hell?"

"You were taking way too long." The masked man answered gruffly. "You were just wasting water, and driving up our bills. It's my turn to use the bathroom now," And with that, he pushed his way past the other, and inside the bathroom.

"It's been what, five minutes?"

"_**Six**_ minutes." Kakuzu corrected tersely, "And forty seven seconds."

"You were_** timing**_ me?" Kakuzu gave no answer, save shoving him out into the freezing hallway, and shutting the door. "Hey! Hey, my clothes are in there!"

"Should have gotten out of the shower on time, then. I trust you have more in your room?" his voice was muffled through the door. "Oh, and Kisame," He continued. "Clean up that puddle, you're dripping all over the floor. Water damage is expensive to repair, you know."

"I'll show _**you **_water damage." Kisame growled, through his menacingly sharp teeth, as he fought the urge to blast the stitched up nuke nin with one of his better suiton techniques.

The door swung open again, and Kisame found himself being glared at viciously, by the much larger (He'd never get used to that) ninja. "What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing." He took a step back, stammering. "Could you maybe just pass me my clothes, Kakuzu sama? My room's all the way on the other side of the base..."

"Big deal. We're all men here, right?" He answered, before shutting, and locking, the door again.

"No we're not!" Kisame looked down either side of the darkened hallway, dreading the approach of a kunoichi. Or anyone else, for that matter. "Damn it!" He hissed, before quickly, and carefully, sneaking towards his assigned living space.

He turned a corner, and felt his stomach lurch. There was someone seated against the wall, but it was too dark to tell who, really. He took a deep breath, trying to retain what little pride he had remaining, and continued walking.

"Oi, Kisame no danna,"

The shark nin breathed a sigh of relief. It was only Deidara, thank god.

"Kakuzu kick you out of the shower, un?"

"How did you know?"

The blond smiled, eyes directed at the odd little book in his lap. "You and Uchiha just got back yesterday, so you couldn't have known. But Kakuzu's been on a rampage lately. He's always been 'Money this', and 'spending that'. But never like _**this**_."

Kisame's face twitched bitterly. "Miser."

"He's a Scrooge." Deidara added, chuckling.

"A what?"

"It's from this book I found in Danna's old room," The artist explained. "It's weird. It's about this greedy old guy, un. And a whole bunch of ghosts visit him on Christmas eve, so he'll stop being such a bastard."

Kisame raised an eyebrow. "what's a 'Christmas?'"

"I'm not entirely sure, it doesn't really explain it. Apparently, it's tomorrow. Some kinda foreign holiday. All I know is that some fat guy breaks into people's houses, and takes their cookies. Creepy, un."

"That's...strange." Kisame agreed, nodding. "So does the old jerk smarten up?"

"Yeah, un!" Deidara chirped brightly. "He pulls his head out of his ass, and actually like, becomes half decent, and shit, and... and..."

And then he had an idea. An awful idea. Dei had a wonderfully _**awful**_ idea.

"Kisame, I have a plan! You remember Kakuzu's past partner, right? Before Hidan? The one he killed?"

"Which? He's strangled four."

"I don't know, what about the guy with the brown hair? He looked like this, right?" A few handseals, and Deidara had henged himself into the greedy Akatsuki's late partner. "Do I sound right?"

"Yeah, but I don't see why-"

"I need chains or something, un..." Deidara continued distractedly. "To rattle..."

"_**Why?" **_

"I've got it!" Deidara got to his feet, taking off down the hallway, Kisame following, still gripping his towel for dear life.

"Deidara, this is Gin's room." The shark nin said nervously, his state of undress distressing him greatly.

"She and Ryuu are out gathering supplies today, right? Would she have taken it with her...?" He pushed open her door, moved directly to her closet, and began to root through things. "Here it is, un!"

"That's Gin's Kusari kama. What do you want with that?"

"The chain," He answered, setting the weapon down on the ground. "Jacob marley, or whatever the hell his name was's ghost had these. Something to do with all the crap he'd done, or some other abstract literary crap." Deidara examined it carefully, before trying to tear the chain from the wooden handle. "Damn... It won't budge, un. 'm gonna have to take the whole thing."

"Deidara..." Kisame warned. "If she comes back, and that thing's gone, she'll kill you."

Deidara smiled. "With what, un?" Kisame's expression remained apprehensive, so Deidara sighed rolling his eyes. "We'll have it back before she knows it's gone. Relax." The disguised artist stuffed the heavy, sickle end into his coat, threading the weight and chain through the sleeve, and up the other sleeve. "How does this look, un?"

"Would you please explain what the hell we're doing?"

"Oh..." Deidara chuckled, making a face, before launching into a condensed version of the story he had just finished. "It's foolproof, un. I'm a genius. Now come on! We have no time to waste!"

"Deidara!" Kisame barked as the now brown haired blond charged down the hallway. "Can I at least put some PANTS on first?!"

- - - - -

"Kakuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."

Kakuzu looked up from his calculator, and financial papers, scanning the room. He shrugged, and continued to work.

"Kakuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuzu."

"Whoever's doing that is about to die!" The banker growled.

"Kakuuuuuuuuuzuuuuuuuuu" Deidara popped in from the hallway, waving his arms slowly. "I am the ghost of your paaaaAAAAaaaartneeeer. HiiiiIIIIIiiiiidekiiiiii!"

Kakuzu turned, eyes narrowed, at the apparently dead man flapping his arms like an idiot. "It was Hideaki." He informed the not-ghost, blankly.

"Thaaaaaats what I saiiiIiiIId. Hiiideaaakiiiii."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "You were right the first time, moron. Now go."

"Noooooo! I am here to waaarn youuu! If you do not change your selfish ways, you'll end up like meeeee, un! Doomed for all eternity! Bound by...uh... these stupid chains or something. Because we were jeeeeeeeeeeerks." He rattled them brazenly.

"Deidara, you little shit, get the hell out of my room. And why are you talking like that?"

"Because I am a ghooooost! And who is this Deidaaraaa you speak oooooof?"

"You said un, dumbass." Kakuzu was seething.

"Uh...Nooo I diiidn't! I am not Deidaaaara! Though I wish I was, because he sounds aaaawesoooome! And probably very handsome. And artistic! And-"

"You have ten seconds. If you're not out by ten, I strangle you."

"Ha! You can't hurt me, I'm a ghooooooooost!" It was at that moment that the weight up his sleeve dislodged itself, and landed, very heavily, on his sandalled foot. He howled in pain, hopping on his good leg, cursing, the chain still caught up his other sleeve clanking pathetically. Kakuzu's fists clenched, enraged, as Deidara winced, voice cracking as he continued. "You'll be visited by three Christmas ghosts tonight. Hopefully, they'll convince you to be less of a douchebag."

Kakuzu said nothing, but picked up one of the heavier volumes of bank statements, and paperwork on his desk, and pitched it at the intruder's head.

Deidara yelped, and hobbled out of the room as quickly as his assuredly broken foot would allow, trailing about twenty pounds of metal behind him.

Kakuzu ran to the doorway, locking it quickly, to prevent any more weirdness. He grumbled to himself, not really wanting to know what had gotten into Deidara's head. Whatever it was, he didn't want to catch it.

- - - -

"How'd it go?"

Deidara groaned, limping over to the other nuke ninja, henge jutsu gone. "I think it went ok... but I think I broke my foot. When is Gin getting back?"

"Tomorrow," Kisame raised an eyebrow, but decided it might be best not to ask how he'd hurt himself. "I'll return that." He nodded, picking up the heavy weapon before Deidara could do any more harm. "I suppose your plan will have to be called off?"

"No way, un! This is perfect!" Deidara shook his head fervently. "Lame guys with crutches seem to be a big part of the story. I just need something to help me walk. Can I borrow your sword or something?

"Deidara, I'm a tolerant man, but I draw the line at you using Samehada for a crutch."

"Fine, fine. I'll find something else. We've got to get the first ghost going, soon."

"Deidara, about that..."

"Yeah, un?"

"I don't think I'd make a very good ghost of Christymisty past, or whatever."

"Why not, un?"

"I don't know, I mean... There are people here much better at genjutsu than I am. Perhaps we should ask-"

"NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, _**NO**_." Deidara shouted, waving his hands. "I'm not letting that bastard anywhere near my plan."

"Who else do you know who could fool Kakuzu like that, eh?"

Deidara frowned, grumbling to himself. "Fine... you go ask him, and I'll go find something to walk with."

- - - –

Itachi stood placidly next to Kisame, as Deidara fumble over, resting on some tan coloured contraption that made Kisame's eyes go wide.

"Is that...?"

"Part of one of Danna's puppets, un."

"You're using part of your dead teammate... as a cane?"

"Pretty much."

"That is, without a doubt, one of the most morbid things I've ever seen."

"Humph." Deidara glared at the Uchiha sneering. "Try not to screw up, Itachi."

Itachi didn't answer, or for that matter, make any sign of having heard him, and set off calmly towards Kakuzu's quarters. "How'd you get him to do this, anyways?"

Kisame shrugged. "It was surprisingly easy. I really don't try to understand Itachi anymore."

Itachi stood outside Kakuzu's door, giving a firm knock, then stepping back, waiting patiently. He repeated this process seven times, before ever so calmly putting his fist through the door, and unlocking it himself.

"What the hell!" Kakuzu spun around, livid with rage at the damage to his property. "You're paying to replace that!" He stopped however, when Uchiha Itachi stepped into the room, and tensed slightly. The Uchiha heir showed no sign of anger at being spoken to in that manner, and glided to the centre of the room.

"Apparently," He started, voice even, "I'm the ghost of Christmas past. I am here, because you lack..." Itachi paused, glancing down at the lines he had written on the palm of one hand, as he had deemed them unworthy of his sharingan. "Christmas spirit. Whatever that may be."

"Itachi Sama, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm supposedly convincing you to change your irritating habits." A few handseals later, an extremely convincing illusion of Kakuzu appeared at his desk, resuming his work on the papers. "This is what you were doing last Christmas eve."

"That's what I do every night."

Itachi nodded, and a vision of Hidan walked into the room, only to be chased out with inky black tendrils, and curse words. Kakuzu chuckled. Itachi could easily assume that this was not the reaction he had been aiming for, but thought little of it.

"So, do you see how your behaviour could been irksome, and how you are not, currently, an amiable person?"

"Yeah, sure, why not." Kakuzu answered rolling his eyes.

Itachi nodded, and left the room.

A highly bewildered Kakuzu took a moment to analyse what had just occurred, before grumbling, and duct taping a few stray filing folders over the hole in his door.

- - - - -

"_I resent this." _

Zetsu nodded, agreeing with himself. "Deidara Sama, I really don't understand why this is necessary." The iwa nin proceeded to place small clay sculptures anywhere he could get them to rest on the kusa nin, Kisame tying one of Ryuu's spare blindfolds on his head like a bow.

"You're supposed to be a Christmas tree, un!"

"And these won't explode?'

"Never, un!" The artist assured. "Don't worry. Just go see Kakuzu, bring him to the meeting area, and say your lines. Is Tobi down there already?"

"Yes, he is..."

"Perfect, un! This is going to be great! Don't worry, Zetsu Sama, everything will be fine."

- - - - -

"No."

"_Please?_" They had decided that Zetsu sounded most ghostlike when both halves tried to speak in unison, but Kakuzu was unimpressed.

"I have no intention of going anywhere."

"_As the ghost of Christmastree present, I command you to follow me._ "

Kakuzu glared over his shoulder at the humiliated akatsuki, giant red bow flopping on his head. "Fine. Fine, I'll humour you. Whatever."

He followed the grass ninja down the hallway, watching with no small amount of disgust as the clay spiders, and scorpions crawled around on his head, and leaf like appendages. The main room, where the king of hell statue was summoned too when needeed, was vast and empty, save the annoying little man in an orange mask, singing some unfamiliar little ditty that Kakuzu assumed, with a shudder, had something to do with this whole 'Christmas' thing.

"_See how Tobi is spending his Christmastree eve? Tobi is a good boy, unlike yourself." _

"You have got to be kidding me." Kakuzu groaned when Deidara limped theatrically into the scene.

"Senpai!" Tobi cried out, in a way that was far too well rehearsed. "Whatever has happened to you?"

"Oh," Deidara threw an overdramatic hand to his forehead. "Tobi, it was awful. There I was, walking down the hallway, when suddenly, I couldn't breath! Kisame no danna was walking by, and his stench was so terrible, I fainted, and hurt myself!"

"Deidara!" Kisame hissed from somewhere in the hallways. "That wasn't in the script."

"Shut up, you're ruining everything, un!" Deidara returned his attention back to his overacting, and resumed his speech. "It's all Kakuzu Sama's fault... if he weren't so stingy, I would never have been injured in this way."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes, trying to keep his hands from flying to Deidara's scrawny little neck. "That's it, screw this, I'm going to bed." And with that, he stomped back to his room, the sound of his now defective door slamming heard all the way in the main room.

"Now what?" Kisame asked, eyebrows raised.

"Now, we go in for the kill," Deidara grinned maliciously. "The ghost of christmas future. And I know just the guy."

- - - -

"There's no fucking way I'm helping you ass wipes with a heathen holiday." Hidan snapped, when they explained the plan.

"Come on, Hidan Sama," Deidara prodded. "You want to shut up Kakuzu more than any of us, right?"

"Well yeah! But shit, there's no way I'm doing anything blasphemous."

"Jashin Sama will know you're kidding?" Kisame offered, sardonically. "You're the best guy for the job. You get to try and scare the crap out of him. It's gotta be you, you've got a scythe and everything."

Hidan's face contorted, as he struggled with himself for a moment. "I've just gotta do some crappy shit from some book, about some holiday I've never heard of? So, it's not really participating, right? Alright fine, but there's no way in hell I'm reading the lines directly."

The entire group made their way back to Kakuzu's room, Hidan not bothering to knock. "Hey, fuck face! Open up, damn it! I'm here to tell you why everyone hates you."

"Go away, Hidan."

"Seriously! You should change that shitty attitude of yours. I mean, come on. You don't really have anything going for you. I mean, look at the fanclubs. I have a ton, Itachi has a ton, and you know why? We're what the fangirls call 'Bishonen.' But I mean, Kisame's an ugly fuck, and they love him too. Because he's a cool guy, you know?"

Kisame frowned. "Hey..."

"Go die in a fire, Hidan."

"Ha! I CAN'T. But you could, because you're not REALLY immortal like I am. You're gonna die eventually, and do you know how many sappy 'Kakuzu death tribute' Amv's there are going to be on youtube? NONE. Seriously, the rest of us are going to sell wallscrolls, and plushie dolls, and headbands, but since no one likes you, you're actually _**costing**_ us money! Shit Kakuzu, that's pretty fucking ironic! So yeah! Everyone's going to hate you, because you're just some lousy money-fuck!"

There was a moment's hesitation, before the door opened. "Hidan..." He asked evenly, restraining his anger. "Did you just call me a prostitute?" Hidan's jaw dropped, as his mind generally simply threw swearwords into his sentences without really making sense of it.

Kakuzu opened his mouth to bellow, or perhaps to strangle the assembled akatsuki with his tendrils, but thought better of it. "Wait... so you're all trying to get me to be more...agreeable, right?"

The group nodded.

"If I say I've changed... will you all go away?"

The group nodded again.

"Then... uh... I've seen the error of my ways. I'll be less irritable." With that, he slammed the door grumpily in all their faces.

They stood there blankly for a long moment, a huge grin slowly filling Deidara's face. "I did it un!" He proclaimed. "I'm a freaking genius!"

And so, there was much celebration, in the Akastuki hideout. Until the next morning, when they all realized that Kakuzu had absolutely no intention whatsoever of being any less assholeish.

Of course, many other strange things happened that night.

Hidan dreamt of a magical land, full of militarily organized rats, living wooden dolls, and ballet dancing sugar plums. In the morning, when he awoke, he was convinced that Jashin Sama had sent him a vision of hell, as punishment for his sacrilegious act.

Uzumaki Naruto was finally accepted by all the other children of the village, when only his kyuubi chakra glowed brightly enough to guide his mission through a dense fog that kept them stranded.

Kakashi, a scarecrow made by local children, who was brought to life by a magical chunin vest, fled to the tea country, to avoid being dissected, and studied by leaf's medical ninja. Because a living scarecrow is just plain creepy.

Inuzuka Kiba finally got those special shuriken he wanted, even though his mother was convinced that he would 'shoot his eye out.'

Haruno Sakura, having seen how the plot of 'Naruto' would have gone if she had never been added to the series, decided that it would, indeed, be best to kill herself.

And of course, Momochi Zabuza returned all the things he had stolen from the inhabitants of Nami no kuni, because a little kid yelled at him, and apparently, that's enough to stop a homicidal maniac in his tracks. And what happened then? In the wave country they say, that the Demon's small heart grew three sizes that day... which caused a fatal brain aneurysm. But no one really cared, because they had their stuff back.

The rest of the Naruto cast had a wonderful December twenty fifth. Though that was in no way significant.

**The end

* * *

**so... um... I hope that at least gave you a giggle XD; anyways! Happy holidays, everybody! 

oh XD and for the record, I have nothing against any of the Akatsuki. I love them all. And teat Sakura thing was supposed to be a refference to 'It's a wonderful life' XD I don't have anything against Sakura.


End file.
